Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you were already going, why did you...
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why were you in my closet?
Dr. Chris Taub: Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.
Martha Masters: He's lying. He's not an executive. I saw his hands. They're covered with calluses and little cuts. He works with them. A lot.
Dr. Gregory House: Stand up.... Our little girl… is finally growing up. I mean, you dream of this day, but when it finally happens... So what did Mr. Meathooks say when you called him a liar?
Martha Masters: I didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. Baby steps. Go down there and do it.
Dr. Gregory House: All right, I'll send along one of your big brothers to help. You want scary, smarmy, or shorty?
Bert: I used to be a janitor when I was in college, and now I'm almost 40 and doing it for the people I built homes for.
Dr. Gregory House: Treat for bacterial infection. Meantime… Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals. I'll talk to Cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're Bert. He's Ernie.
Martha Masters: And they're both roommates. That was a good one.
Dr. James Wilson: You never do anything unless it stands to benefit you.
Dr. Gregory House: I realize that three failed marriages can leave a man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other.
Dr. Gregory House: Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?
Dr. James Wilson: Experience.
Dr. Chris Taub: I can't tell if you're being passive-aggressive or this is just your regular fun-loving personality.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Both. And you can keep the tie. Went out of style five years ago.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe we're thinking too far outside the box here. Just because he could have picked up any one of a hundred exotic diseases from his job doesn't mean he didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Taub's life partner has a point. Started treatment with antibiotics, and he got worse. Simple answer begins with "m" ends with "mia."
Dr. Robert Chase: Can't help you unless you're completely honest with us.
Bert: I was doing manual labor. If I came home barely able to move, Diane would know something's up. That's why I take the Vicodin… to hide the pain. I'm not an addict.
Martha Masters: So it's Obama's fault you're lying to your wife?
Bert: Haven't you ever done something in a relationship you wish you could take back?
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe.
Bert: How'd you handle it?
Dr. Robert Chase: I told the truth. Eventually.
Bert: How'd that work out?
Dr. Robert Chase: Not well.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going. Just don't want it to suck. There has to be a way to make this fun.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a cliché. I want to make things more exciting, something she'll remember for more than ten minutes.
Dr. Gregory House: You really can't stand seeing me happy, can you?
Dr. Robert Chase: You're sharing this unique insight that women don't like lying?
Martha Masters: Uh, no, I'm sharing my unique insight that you don't respect women. You sleep with a different one every few days. Or maybe… you find meaning in meaningless relationships.
Dr. Robert Chase: At least I have relationships.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.
Dr. Gregory House: Why does everyone go to that?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Experience?
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm just observant. That's why I'm good at my job.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's also the reason you're starting to annoy the crap out of me.
Dr. Chris Taub: I used to think the whole brooding thing was just part of your work persona, but now I live with you. You need to lighten up, Bert.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If I was gonna take advice on how to live my life, it would not be from you. You're broke, you ruined your marriage, and yet you act like you're the victim here, like somehow we're all supposed to feel sorry for you. YOU SCREWED UP YOUR LIFE, not some emotional friend your wife met on the…
Dr. Gregory House: What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if he's really trying to keep her happy, I assume they've shared bodily fluids.
Dr. James Wilson: I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.
Diane: Oh, God, of course he would tell a bunch of strangers before he would tell me. I mean, why not? I'm just a stupid housewife, right? You know, I have something you can share with him. It's over. He's a liar, and I never want to hear from him again. You may wanna go check on him. His fever's back. But I am done worrying about him.
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm gonna move out next week. I'd rather stay friends than be roommates.
Dr. Gregory House: He's definitely dead if we do nothing. If I'm wrong, all we do is shave a few hours off.
Martha Masters: I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But... now when I do want them... I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?
Dr. Robert Chase: Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope, side with hope.
Diane: I'm pregnant, sweetheart. You're gonna be a daddy.
Dr. Gregory House: We've been missing connections this entire case.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's only been a couple thousand documented cases in the U.S.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, now there's a couple thousand and one. Fits every symptom there. We're idiots for not seeing it before. Treat with rilonacept. He'll live a long and healthy life filled with lies to his wife and future child.
Dr. James Wilson: You okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.
Dr. James Wilson: But your patient died.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save everyone.
Dr. Robert Chase: Going solo. All those meaningless relationships tend to wear a guy out after a while.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. How is she?
Dr. Gregory House: I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you... makes me a crappy doctor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: I am drunk. And I'm also right.
Dr. Gregory House: You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And... you... are totally worth it.
Dr. Gregory House: If I had to choose between… saving everyone and loving you and being happy… I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you.
Dr. Gregory House: My head's on your vagina.
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