Dr. Gregory House: Well, I'm not fine as in "fine," but I'm fine as in "you don't have to worry about me."
Dr. James Wilson: Because you cleared out your bank account, checked into a hotel, and started back on Vicodin?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm going to be fine as in "fine" very soon.
Dr. Gregory House: Worse is worse. Pain doesn't discriminate. Neither do the pills. The Vicodin and the five-star pampering that I'm gonna get over the next few days should be enough to get me through it.
Dr. James Wilson: So you don't want to just avoid the issue. You want to avoid avoiding the issue. Sorry.
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing is either as bad or as good as we think it is at the time. That's why T.O. mocks his opponents immediately after scoring. He doesn't wait till his friend shows up the next day to tell him to deal with it. Two weeks from now, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, my life will be back to its usual level of crappiness. Till then, the only real issue is how much I'm gonna spend on hotel charges.
Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
Dr. Gregory House: After he and I have sex, I'm gonna slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
Carnell: Oh, no problem. I'll cancel the morning maid service. Would you like me to have them clean up later when they come to turn down your bed?
Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't I meet you six months ago?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not an idiot. I know I need help.
Dr. James Wilson: Okay. That's... great. I meant, like, a counselor.
Dr. Gregory House: I know.
Dr. James Wilson: But you meant a hooker.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Baby steps.
Dr. Robert Chase: Ten years of doctors cobbling him back together. Metal rods in every limb. Pins stabilizing his spine. Five screws and a titanium plate in his skull.
Dr. Chris Taub: I can feel bad for him while still expecting him to act like an adult, show up for work, and not go on a booze-, Vicodin-, and hooker-filled bender.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Which is why for now we're gonna handle the case without him.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh, is that the reason? I thought it was because you can't pass up any chance to seize control.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I said "we." You want "pretty please" too?
Martha Masters: Wait. I understand the booze and the hookers, but why Vicodin?
Dr. Robert Chase: Wow, you really don't have any friends in here, do you?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sounds good. Go ahead.
Dr. Robert Chase: Go ahead? Really? What if one of us disagrees? ... I happen to agree with Foreman. Go do it.
Dr. James Wilson: He thought you were gonna die. Nobody knows the right way to react in that situation. Just give him another chance. He deserves it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know. But this isn't about what he deserves. When things go wrong, I don't want to hope that I'm not alone. I want to know it. With House... every time I needed him to step up... He's just never gonna be that. It's not his fault. It's who he is. I should have known it. This is my fault.
Dr. Gregory House: Great theory. It's a ridiculous test. You can't give a standard balance test to a champion bull rider. If you're gonna test Superman's strength, you need a bigger barbell. Find one, make him lift it, then call me and tell me how high it got.
Dr. Chris Taub: You ever think of getting paid for doing something else? You're running out of bones to break.
Lane: You ever think of doing something you don't love? It has its downside, but everything does. There ain't nothing like those eight seconds. Traveling around, getting to meet the fans, that ain't so bad either, if you know what I mean.
Dr. Chris Taub: Now what? And I direct that question not to my boss, but to anyone who has an answer.
Dr. Gregory House: What took you so long?
Dr. Eric Foreman: There’s nothing wrong with his ears, but he's got blood in his sputum.
Dr. Gregory House: Doesn't answer the question.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We weren't avoiding you. It took us a little time to think up a diagnostic test no one's ever thought up before.
Dr. Gregory House: Apology accepted.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, that's so cute. You're fighting over who's in charge.
Dr. Gregory House: Who's in charge?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final...
Dr. Gregory House: Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?
Dr. Chris Taub: Let me rephrase. You have to decide if you're gonna buck up, get out of bed, and do your job, or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
Dr. Gregory House: Those my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap, including you.
Dr. Gregory House: And, Chase, stop screwing with Foreman. And, Foreman, no. Till the telephone gets uninvented, no one in that room needs more authority than I give them, and right now I give you the authority to scope his GI tract and biopsy his parotid. And you can pick up the phone.
Dr. Chris Taub: If his rule-breaking is affecting his judgment, then you can step in and you can worry, but if he's just coming up with ideas that we haven't thought of but we should have, then our job is to shut up and do it.
Dr. Gregory House: Making it, as they say, as tough to find as a hooker who can play the hurdy-gurdy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If you have a point, can you please...
Dr. Gregory House: It's an expression. Means it's tough, but apparently it can be done.
Martha Masters: You want us to cut him open?
Dr. Gregory House: Only if you want to see what's wrong with him.
Martha Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
Dr. Gregory House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Couldn't migrate that far in one hour. We haven't been sitting on our hands just waiting for your brilliance to kick in.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, so how did you shoot down intermittently swollen lymph node?
Martha Masters: You think sticking a needle directly into his brain would be less dangerous than sticking it in his spine?
Dr. Gregory House: It's probably a push. I'm just trying to get you out of here, because underneath this sheet, stuff is going on.
Dr. Gregory House: Just pick a spot and stick a needle in it.
Lane: You want to drill through my skull because of a mass that's not there?
Dr. Chris Taub: I’m just saying, "it's good to have somebody near by to talk to who cares."
Martha Masters: Okay, fine. I like him. So what?
Dr. Chris Taub: No kidding. I just can't figure out why.
Martha Masters: Neither can I.
Dr. Gregory House: Why not? Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away.
Carnell: No. No. No. No. You're gonna kill her.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't do that, Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker.
Dr. Robert Chase: He's got a seven-centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together. It'll rip him in two.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better.
Martha Masters: Which is why we're injecting ice water into your abdominal cavity. You'll feel colder than you've ever felt, and then you'll be hotter... um, you'll feel hotter than you've ever felt. We'll try to be as quick as possible.
Martha Masters: No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh. Is that all?
Martha Masters: Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.
Dr. Chris Taub: And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: What an ego. You think you're some sort of emotional paragon? You're my rock?
Dr. Gregory House: At least I have the good sense not to marry every woman I fall into bed with.
Dr. Chris Taub: Guy is tough. I'll give him that. My prefrontal cortex is a little aroused.
Martha Masters: He's smoking. Literally, you ass.
Dr. James Wilson: He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.
Dr. Chris Taub: His skull has multiple hairline fractures. Removing the metal plate will be like removing half an eggshell without cracking the rest of the shell.
Dr. Gregory House: And not removing the plate will be like leaving the egg out to rot.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We can't cut off the top of his head based on a few symptoms that disappear whenever we try to test for them.
Lane: You want me to sing? How's singing My Bonnie gonna help you see inside my brain?
Dr. Gregory House: It won't. It's just gonna prove that we need to cut into your skull, which is gonna be kind of dangerous. So you've got a real incentive to sing like an angel.
Dr. Gregory House: I hate when you do that. You respond to what you think I'm thinking, because you think that I think like you do. It's insulting and annoying.
Dr. James Wilson: You're scared because nothing excites you. Fun doesn't excite you. Puzzles don't excite you. What's left? And I was saying you're right. You're upset. You're depressed. Everything's gonna taste a little worse right now, but it'll pass.
Dr. Gregory House: It's understandable. You're scared because you think I'm falling apart, and you're trying to convince yourself that you're overreacting.
Dr. Gregory House: There's an imperfection. How do you find where?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't know. Get a magnifying glass and…
Dr. Gregory House: You suck. Feel free to interpret that both ways. Suck on the straw, see where the drink leaks.
Dr. Gregory House: Really? You don't even want to know if you'll be able to go back to bull riding?
Lane: I assume no? I mean, you've already cracked open my skull, and now you're gonna blow up my heart.
Dr. Gregory House: Thought you loved those eight seconds.
Lane: I do. And now you're telling me that I got to give them up. I can always find something else to love.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital, and my team is gonna do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way.
Martha Masters: As long as you don't get your heart rate too high. You, uh, probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Bartender: Yeah, sorry about the noise. I guess, uh, their team won. Although I got to tell you, sometimes I wish I could still act like that, you know? Just let loose.
Bartender: Ah, I guess it's a little easier, though, when you got no troubles. Parents still paying your bills. Got your whole life ahead of you.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you do when you win?
Students: Party!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you do when you lose?
Students: Party harder!
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