Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?
Dr. Gregory House: Set an alarm and everything.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You really don't have to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get them outta here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: Meet me in the cafeteria in ten. There'll be a corn dog with your name on it. I mean an actual corn dog. They fixed the deep fryer.
Ryan: You also know what it's like to be depressed. You figured out my deal after only a few minutes, but I been fooling my friends and parents for months.
Ryan: They take it personally that I'm not happy, and then I end up having to make them feel better. They don't get me. No one does.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you sucking in your stomach?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. Hurry up before I pass out.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mood swings are also a symptom of adolescence along with emo music and masturbation. More importantly, his weight loss and sleeping issues started a year ago.
Dr. Gregory House: Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word it won't happen again. 'Cause next time... she won't get caught!
Dr. Chris Taub: Patient admitted to using pot. Who knows what else he's doing. This could be a heroin-induced nephropathy.
Martha Masters: I thought you trusted this kid.
Dr. Chris Taub: And then you pointed out how sweet that was.
Dr. Chris Taub: While he's doing that, can I at least search his house for drugs?
Dr. Gregory House: Have I ever said no to that question?
Dr. James Wilson: Okay. You've been worried that your relationship is getting in the way of your diagnoses, you're protecting your patient. Either that or… you're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Three — I hate the smell of death.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm talking about our relationship. She needs support and comfort, both things that I famously suck at.
Dr. James Wilson: You know what's good for that? Practice. Doing it — I don't know — once?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not gonna act like there's a crisis before we know there is one. There's no proof there's anything wrong with her.
Dr. James Wilson: There's no proof she's being stalked by Ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them… as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
Dr. Robert Chase: Do you want me to quote from First Corinthians? 'Cause I can do that.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: As a Jew, I'm gonna have to decline that offer.
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't know what you're missing. St. Paul was really on his game.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: All these years, he's never stopped trying to annoy me for more than 15 minutes. And now he can't even walk into the room.
Dr. Robert Chase: Love hopes all things.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What is it with you and this kid?
Dr. Chris Taub: He's doggy paddling in a sea of misery. I remember what it's like.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How far did you have to reach back for that memory, last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm just saying… I don't think fixing this kid is gonna fix you.
Dr. Robert Chase: Bigger question — what's the deal with Taub? Just because House is too distracted to notice your distraction doesn't mean we didn't.
Dr. Chris Taub: Clots, angiograms — I'm focused. The kid scratched out the faces of half his class. You don't think that's a problem?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not our problem.
Dr. Robert Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I violently executed my tenth grade geometry teacher about five different ways in my mind.
Martha Masters: I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement, preferably with acid.
Dr. Gregory House: Pie-eating contest.
Dr. James Wilson: I was going to send Chase to tell you what the obvious right thing to do here is, but then I realized… if you were too stupid to know how stupid that was, you might miss the irony. You have to be with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. I get it. She needs artificial support for an artificial problem. She's fine.
Chase did an excellent job.
Dr. James Wilson: She doesn't sleep with Chase.
Dr. Gregory House: We don't know that.
Dr. James Wilson: House... I'm not gonna tell you a third time. Do not screw this up. Because I really don't wanna clean up the mess.
Dr. Gregory House: He's referring to the pie.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being in the room is worse.
Dr. Eric Foreman: When she breaks up with you... you're playing by yourself.
Ryan: What's up, losers? I hope you're enjoying being alive. Today's lesson: natural selection. Excellent system. Made us who we are today. But then we invented seat belts and grocery stores, things that keep idiots and weaklings alive. And let's be honest. Most of you don't really deserve it.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yes. "Officer, I'd like to report an assault. The victim was a pile of leaves."
Dr. James Wilson: Yes. I'm worried. But this isn't about House. It's about Cuddy. She's the one who could be dying, and he's trying to make this about himself. I'm not playing.
Martha Masters: Pssh. Ha. So you can do the opposite? There are kids all over the country doing dumb, potentially violent things, but the percentage of them who would actually kill anybody is miniscule.
Dr. Chris Taub: So I shouldn't do anything.
Martha Masters: Mmmm… while the odds are low, the fallout could be… huge. Tens or even hundreds of lives.
Dr. Chris Taub: So I should call the cops.
Martha Masters: Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being extra-protective. Or alternatively—
Martha Masters: Hate the statistics… not the statistician.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You had candy in my other dreams.
Dr. Gregory House: Means you're stressed at work. All dream symbols mean you're stressed at work. Or castration anxiety.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. I was hoping... you'd figure out a way to handle all this. Maybe you can't because you're still a child.
Dr. Gregory House: I should have been here. Sorry.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I knew you'd come.
Dr. Robert Chase: House couldn't concentrate on the case before she was dying. You think he's gonna get in the game now?
Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: Guess who doesn't have cancer? Me. Also you. Actually, you for sure. Me...
Dr. Gregory House: For the cheap seats, an abscess is a gooey little cream puff of infection. Probably burst when your little pride and homicidal joy took a hard foul.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My subconscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain — drugs, sarcasm... Keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.
Dr. Gregory House: As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sad] Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears. And you're not willing to do that.
Dr. Gregory House: I came to be with you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But you weren't with me, not really.
Dr. Gregory House: I wanted to be.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's not enough.
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