Zack: Yeah, I do. I'm just wondering what changed your mind.
Colleen: You did.
Dr. Gregory House: Who put sand in her vagina?
Timmy: Doctors don't carry guns. They don't shoot people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction... the movie you're totally ripping off.
Dr. Gregory House: Interesting. You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which, of course, means you are ashamed. And yet, you're the victim.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't kill anybody. I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act. But we did, and almost always do, search the patient's home. And if we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong with them.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say everybody always lies, Aristotle. And on that note, unless there are any questions, Good.
Dr. Gregory House: Probably. How often do you use your vibrator?
Woman: Excuse me?
Dr. Gregory House: Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late.
Dr. Gregory House: I meant sex! Fine. Lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?
Dr. Gregory House: So you were just making him beg, huh? I didn't have you pegged as a tease.
Colleen: I'm not a tease.
Dr. Gregory House: The available evidence suggests otherwise.
Colleen: I'm not a tease.
Dr. Gregory House: Prove it, By... by telling me your story.
Colleen: You're a pathetic loser, jerk! And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure!
Dr. Gregory House: I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. I take it you're into that.
Colleen: Don't answer! Your turn.
Dr. Gregory House: Because you can't handle the truth!
Timmy: That's so easy. A Few Good Men.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time. My current patient is a college student. He's actually in the hospital right now. And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of dead lung tissue.
Dr. Gregory House: Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?
Martha Masters: Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes?
Dr. Gregory House: She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers ... four feet above her covers.
Timmy: Ghostbusters.
Ms. Corwin: Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, when you say it like that, Yes.
Timmy: No way. You didn't get her laptop by blowing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria... Although it worked out just as well.
Colleen: No, not the patients, the kids. It doesn't matter how you stole it. What matters is why.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you're starting to remind me of someone.
Dr. James Wilson: I didn't ask how you stole it. I asked why.
Dr. Gregory House: I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts... Instead of just watching porn with me.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, grow up. If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?
Dr. Gregory House: She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.
Colleen: So she's mad 'cause she's a girl.
Dr. Gregory House: And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.
Colleen: How do you know?
Zack: Because I know how you think.
Colleen: Really?
Zack: Really.
Dr. Gregory House: Really?
Zack: The bet let her do what she wanted to do while still being able to act like she didn't, so her friends wouldn't get all, like, calling her a slut or something... Not that it's slutty or anything. It's just a kiss.
Colleen: Well, maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her. Had she warned you not to do it?
Colleen: You're gross and dumb. You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is.
Dr. Gregory House: You are clueless and naive. I have to tell her that she's wrong, 'cause no one else will. She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid of her, or they want to kiss up to her, or they want to, kiss her.
Colleen: But not you.
Dr. Gregory House: I already kissed her. And I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled.
Dr. Gregory House: Sarcoidosis, is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't usually cause their patients to die from what it is.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, I got to tell you ... there is bossy, which can be sexy. And then there's bitchy...
Zack: You're right. It's just, I really like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me too. But I don't want to play any more games. When you want ... I mean, if you ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know, Sorry.
Colleen: He's not always a jerk. And neither are you. She obviously likes you. Just stop using her toothbrush and stop playing games. She'll still like you.
Zack: She's bossy, but she's usually right.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?
Ms. Fields: Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is that why you also stole my computer?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it is.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And then threw it in the trash?
Dr. Gregory House: I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and know it was yours and return it to you unharmed. I'm a moron. But that doesn't mean I-I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy. I was wrong. You were right. I can do better. Just, give me a chance.
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