Arlene Cuddy: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker.
Julia Cuddy: She's not telling us we look fat. That's a major breakthrough.
Arlene Cuddy: If you didn't want to be insulted, you wouldn't have invited me.
Arlene Cuddy: My heart's doing that weird thing again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Beating? That's normal for humans.
Martha Masters: [whispers] Why we're in the morgue?
Dr. Robert Chase: House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors...
Dr. Gregory House: You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster.
Arlene Cuddy: He seems to know his stuff. How come he can't afford a coat that fits?
Dr. Chris Taub: Cuddy won't let House see the yearbook, so he figures there's something to hide. Any guesses? It's clearly related to being a giant teenage dork.
Martha Masters: So you thought I'd have some insights?
Martha Masters: Relax. I was crowned homecoming geek. I'm sure you can relate... because you knew some dorks.
Martha Masters: Oh... Is that ... is that Cuddy's mom?
Dr. Chris Taub: Certain parts of her... and certain parts of some muscular Hispanic gentleman.
Martha Masters: Should we consider STDs?
Dr. Chris Taub: I think I just caught one looking at these photos.
Dr. Gregory House: You know... that's not the only thing they found in her home.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not my yearbook...
Dr. Gregory House: Nope. Just some stuff that could cause severe nausea and permanent erectile dysfunction... and which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, it's some contractor named Jesus... which, granted, was originally a Jewish name, but...
Arlene Cuddy: She doesn't want sex with him. I do want to have sex with him. Tell me, who's being hurt?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why didn't you tell me about it?
Arlene Cuddy: I don't know. We don't have that kind of relationship. Does that really surprise you?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, texts, calls, and emails all go to the same magic device these days. You only got to send one.
Arlene Cuddy: Then it's even weirder it took you so long to get down here.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's a crazy mystery. It's not like I got a department to run.
Dr. Gregory House: My God, a woman getting better wants to leave the hospital?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If she's getting better, it's not because you made her feel like a fool.
Dr. Gregory House: It couldn't be more because. If I hadn't, she'd have diagnosed herself with six new forms of cancer. She'd never leave.
Dr. Chris Taub: You bugged the room?
Dr. Gregory House: I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.
Martha Masters: Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal.
Dr. Gregory House: Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me.
Martha Masters: I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you...
Dr. Gregory House: Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy 20 minutes later ... thank you for saving America.
Dr. Gregory House: DDX.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Um, we just did it.
Dr. Gregory House: No, we just did the fake one. Why do you think I let the truth fairy know about the bug? I was testing her. She failed. She's still a narc.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to ask her about this.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course. Absolutely. You'll ask. She'll deny. You'll push it. She'll get offended. You'll be exactly where you are now, except it'll be harder to treat. You've absolutely got to do that.
Dr. Gregory House: Addicts lie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual.
Dr. Gregory House: We got fired from that case. We're moving on.
Dr. Chris Taub: We were already fired.
Dr. Gregory House: By the patient. This time by Cuddy, so it's real. She somehow realized that her completely unworkable system was completely unworkable. Okay, pop quiz, hot shots ... I chose vegetable Stew for a reason. You got 60 seconds, no "hintsies."
Dr. Eric Foreman: Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?
Dr. Gregory House: Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.
Dr. Gregory House: What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make even you puke!
Dr. Gregory House: She's dying!
Dr. Eric Foreman: That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! You're losing control because... this is your girlfriend's mom.
Dr. Gregory House: Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it, or you're fired.
Dr. Robert Chase: Give me your prescription pad.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Robert Chase: Because I think it's endocarditis, and I think the prednisone will kill her. And I forgot my prescription pad.
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...
Dr. Eric Foreman: Stay out of that too.
A: radiologists ... experts, unlike you ... said no bleed.
B: you yourself said it's probably not.
C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship.
D: you'll lose your consulting job.
E: your ex will kill you.
F: I'm running out of alphabet here.
Dr. Gregory House: Another pop quiz. How many idiot doctors does it take to switch an I.V.? The longer we wait, the more the prednisone is gonna kill her immune system. Forget playing pharmacist. Mom naps every afternoon. Wait by the room. When she falls asleep, get the sister out somehow.
Arlene Cuddy: What do you want, Lisa? Do you want to hear I love you both the same? Of course I do.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Okay.
Arlene Cuddy: But times like this, when we argue, it reminds me... I have more in common with her. She's nicer to me. I love you both... but I like her more than you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Here... this is what you saw. It's an anatomical variant of the skull ... the bone in proximity to a blood vessel. There was nothing wrong with him. That was reason "G."
Dr. Gregory House: If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school, and I will destroy your career.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think I can control her?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know. I've never seen you try.
Dr. Gregory House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her... and it pisses me off.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you taking this personally?
Dr. Gregory House: She leaves, she dies. One day... maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you killed your mother. Get me my patient back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.
Dr. Chris Taub: What do you care?
Rachel: Chris... you were a crappy husband... but you are a good person.
Dr. Gregory House: Once again, you are unfired.
Martha Masters: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just... kind of impressive.
Dr. Gregory House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.
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