Dr. Gregory House: Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.
Martha Masters: That actually makes no logical sense.
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.
Dr. Gregory House: Or you could search her brain. You know, where her memory lives. Save the gas.
Dr. Gregory House: Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course. But Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?
Dr. Gregory House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.
Dr. Chris Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Gregory House: Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.
Dr. Gregory House: I need your medical opinion on what bar we're gonna hit for happy hour tonight to kick off the official end to your three-month pity party over Sam.
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, because of my senile patient's granddaughter. You caught me. I'm busy!
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Medicine has come a long way in the last hundred years.
Dr. Gregory House: I admit that's… impressively outside-the-box thinking.
Dr. Gregory House: While you two were so busy being impressively outside the box, you missed the actual box. Chase and Masters done yet?
Dr. James Wilson: Okay, fine. I got a cat. Release the Kraken.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't think you appreciate the severity of your situation. You are rapidly approaching an end-stage male spinsterism.
Dr. Gregory House: That cat, that diabetic cat that you're shooting up with Insulin and buying dime bags of catnip for, that means you've given up on ever finding anyone.
Dr. James Wilson: Don't you think you're completely overreacting?
Dr. Gregory House: If I'm completely overreacting, why'd you lie to me?
Dr. James Wilson: Um, because I knew you would completely overreact.
Dr. Gregory House: Aww, who would want a cat that croaks if you're not home twice a day to shoot it up? It's like having your own button on Lost...
Nadia: Well, here's hoping for cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Masters, when you finally blossom into a woman, would you ever sleep with a man who had a cat?
Martha Masters: Sure.
Dr. Gregory House: Wrong, the answer is no. Slut.
Dr. Gregory House: Any of you ever had a cat? Any of you ever had sex? I think, as your people say, quod erat demonstrandum.
Dr. Gregory House: Drugs are never the answer. If we want her heart to go crazy, there's something simpler and safer. Use the sister.
Dr. Gregory House: You lied to me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I said I didn't know anything about Wilson having a friend named Sarah. Under House rules, that is not a lie. He's lonely. That cat is a nice way for him to get some affection.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not the kind of putty tat he needs to be getting it from. He needs a putty tat he can tap.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't care if you were dying from ebola. You shouldn't have gotten less than a 70. You're nothing but excuses and distractions.
Dr. Chris Taub: Well it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's an entire department for that.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly. The Foreman department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman. I know you got the time. A little Wallaby told me that you recently vacated your post as Taub's savior.
Dr. Chris Taub: This isn't really about Cuddy, is it? It's about you. You don't want to lose me. I think you care.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't think you can disgust me into pulling Foreman off you. Pulse the patient with steroids for the autoimmune. Start her on dialysis for the kidney failure. Treat the Taub with insults and small slaps for the obstinacy, and start him on studying for the brain failure.
Dr. James Wilson: You planted something in my apartment to make me think I'm allergic to Sarah.
Dr. Gregory House: Paranoia is the first sign of toxoplasma gondii, the parasite linked to crazy cat lady disease.
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you're gonna die alone. And it just comes out as gibberish and sneezing. Prove that I'm overreacting. Boys' night out. Good Time Charlie's. They just changed their slogan to, "where the trashiest ladies get trashed."
Dr. James Wilson: You do see the hypocrisy in all this, don't you? Until recently, your lifestyle of choice was self-exile.
Dr. Gregory House: But I never had a cat. Why don't you pick me up at 8:00?
Nadia: It's not a grudge. It's common sense. It's simple math. She's hurt me more than she's helped me. Most people edit their memories. They add small, little lies so they don't have to face the truth. My memories remain the same. My truth never changes, because… my truth is the truth.
Dr. Robert Chase: So no one ever gets forgiven? Sounds like a lonely way to live.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is no longer just about your future. It's about mine too. You fail, and I will kill you.
Dr. Robert Chase: That relationship was broken long before we got there. Nadia literally keeps score. She tallies everything. She decided Elena's done more bad things to her than good, doesn't deserve her affection.
Dr. Chris Taub: I got a perfect score on my first pathology boards. I kept thinking, whatever my score is now, it's going to be a measure of the distance between me and the man I used to be.
Dr. Gregory House: If she's telling the truth. She claims she objectively sees reality. Weighing the good and bad in people. If that's true, I don't care how many times her sister borrowed her scrunchie without asking, a free kidney ought to trump all the bad stuff.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not about the cheating. It's about your confidence. You steal that test, and you'll never get it back.
Dr. Chris Taub: I can't handle failing at one more thing in my life.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a good doctor. I've seen what you're capable of. You're fast, you're decisive, and you're bold. And those are not the qualities of someone who needs to steal a test. There's nothing on it that you don't already know. You just need to know that you know it.
Dr. Gregory House: Too fat. Too thin. Too desperate. Not desperate enough. Come on, you can insult them too!
Dr. Gregory House: If you objectify them now, you'll feel more comfortable when you… tie them to a table in your basement later. Or whatever.
Dr. Gregory House: Brains and boobs. The mother lode.
Dr. James Wilson: Total moron as a barista, though. Every drink I order ends up with whipped cream on it. Even when I say no whip.
Dr. Gregory House: Girlfriend, that means she's into you.
Dr. Gregory House: Hi, there. Wilson, James Wilson. I'm a doctor. I'm hoping that's enough to close, because I'm also a social moron. And I have a cat.
Dr. James Wilson: She said my coffee is not the only thing she'd like to put whipped cream on.
Dr. Robert Chase: I understand now why you stuck yourself in that diner, away from friends, away from family. You can't forgive anyone. I don't think you weigh anything. I think you're like a lot of people. You focus on the bad memories instead of the good.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is that what this is about? You feel guilty because Wilson's the one that's alone and not you? You still don't think you deserve this.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your happiness doesn't take his away. It's okay to enjoy it.
Dr. Gregory House: Come on, the woman has all the information we need. She's a bottomless diagnostic library.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way, that's so bad, it's a disorder.
Dr. Gregory House: So what we thought was a gift… is just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Dr. Gregory House: If it's any solace, everybody dies alone... It probably isn't.
Dr. Chris Taub: I couldn't stand the thought of you having company over with that other TV. It's embarrassing.
Nadia: My memory… is the only thing, that has ever, made me special.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe so. But if you want to be special… you're gonna have to be alone.
Dr. Gregory House: So… I wanna hear all the dirty, dairy-specific details of your night with java the slut.
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