Dr. Gregory House: I loathe weddings and their seven levels of hypocrisy. But you do seem awfully hissy. And there's an outside chance hat I could get you drunk and score. So as long as you don't take it as an admission of guilt, sure, count me in. A bit too much honesty?
Dr. Gregory House: Housekeeping. Either you're crazy or you're atoning for something naughty, and you're crazy.
Ramon: My Marisa was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Stage IV glioblastoma. When the doctors said she had two months to live, that's when I made my bargain.
Dr. Gregory House: With your health insurance carrier?
Ramon: With God.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh.
Ramon: I told him I would nail myself to a cross every year he kept her alive.
Dr. Gregory House: So how did that negotiation go? You lowballed with ear piercing and God countered?
Ramon: My ex-wife thinks I'm crazy too. She moved out the first time I did this.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, at least your daughter has one viable role model.
Marisa: You don't believe in God?
Dr. Gregory House: I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.
Dr. Gregory House: Causal determinism. We are hardwired to need answers. The caveman who heard a rustle in the bushes checked out to see what it was lived longer than the guy who assumed it was just a breeze. The problem is, when we don't find a logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.
Dr. Robert Chase: If you're done mocking him, we need to prep for an LP.
Dr. Gregory House: Good. Another hole in him should really make God's day.
Dr. James Wilson: I was buying an engagement ring. I'm gonna propose to Sam at the wedding.
Dr. Gregory House: That is the second stupidest thing I've heard today. And I'm surprised how close you came. You don't need to buy her a new ring. Isn't the first one good for all you can marry?
Dr. Gregory House: You want me to lie?
Dr. James Wilson: There's a lovely symmetry to it. The lie got you into it. A lie gets you out of it.
Dr. Chris Taub: What's it mean when somebody takes their cell phone into the bathroom when they're taking a shower?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It means they don't want you to check their calls, emails, or texts.
Dr. Robert Chase: If we're talking about your wife, it means the chickens are coming home to roost.
Dr. Gregory House: Fever, coughing up blood, coughing up teeth. So either God sweetened the deal with a "no flossing" clause or...
Dr. Gregory House: Trying to catch your wife cheating?
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh... Why would you say that?
Dr. Gregory House: Missing mojo. Posture's slumped. Expression defeated. Didn't try to back up your theory. And Chase told me. Go. Find your mojo.
Dr. Gregory House: You keep me happy, I return the favor. Think of it as tat for tit.
Dr. Gregory House: If you prick me, do I not bleed?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You knew I wouldn't like it, but you thought I would say I did. That's what this is about. You're trying to trap me into lying to you.
Dr. Gregory House: You sure? 'Cause that sounds so juvenile. (Cuddy leaves)
Dr. Robert Chase: You're okay with burglary now?
Martha Masters: I asked his permission. The reason we don't ask permission is we're afraid the patient is going to hide something, but our patient hasn't been home, lives alone. He doesn't have any help, and he has no motive to hide anything.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy got me the daughter's file. Well, not Cuddy exactly. Her signature. Well, not exactly her signature.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe you hadn't heard. I'm kind of busy.
Dr. Gregory House: With what?
Dr. James Wilson: Sudoku. What do you think? I'm the head of oncology at a major hospital.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet these files are not from this hospital. These are from where-my-fiancee-works memorial.
Dr. James Wilson: If I don't help her, she can't go to the wedding and... We fell in love at her cousin's wedding, which is why I want to propose to her at a wedding. And now you have 60 seconds to berate me for that and for helping my girlfriend with her homework.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't want to propose at a wedding. Emotions running high, people on edge. You ought to try somewhere like a Buddhist temple or an aquarium. Or a Buddhist aquarium. That only took ten seconds. You can spend the rest of the time on my file.
Dr. Robert Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?
Martha Masters: Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic.
Dr. Gregory House: Get an MRI of his brain. Let's see if we can find God.
Dr. Gregory House: You lied to make yourself older? Are you lying about being a woman?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Even if you can trap me, you think I'll suddenly embrace the value of lying?
Dr. Gregory House: My point is you already have. I just need to prove it.
Dr. Chris Taub: Chickens aren't roosting. She's just got a friend. A guy she met in an online support group for cheating spouses.
Dr. Robert Chase: I've heard of that group. It's called irony.
Dr. Chris Taub: You think she's cheating on her spouse with someone from a cheating spouse support group?
Dr. Robert Chase: Sounds like the perfect place to hit on vulnerable women.
Ramon: You didn't come to see if I was better. You came to see if your medicine has turned me into an atheist.
Dr. Gregory House: I'd settle for agnostic.
Ramon: Faith is not a disease.
Dr. Gregory House: No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.
Dr. James Wilson: The daughter's case checks out. Stereotactic biopsy confirmed stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme. Doesn't respond to chemo, but they gave it to her anyway as a hail Mary and just got lucky.
Dr. Gregory House: So either God intervened, which is a lazy explanation, or we just don't know why. Which is no explanation.
Dr. James Wilson: Sometimes there is no explanation. And I'm just fine with that.
Dr. Gregory House: Which annoys me to no end.
Dr. Gregory House: I hate rehearsal dinners almost as much as I hate weddings.
Dr. Gregory House: The only reason anyone gets married is that homo erectus females needed protection from predators while breastfeeding. The only reason these two are getting married is to throw an obnoxious gala and make the rest of us feel unworthy. Even though we know in two years their lawyers are gonna be fighting over the Bentleys.
Dr. Gregory House: She's got looks. He's got money. One of them is bound to run out.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give it 19 months.
Dr. Gregory House: That's very specific.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No fault divorce in New Jersey requires couples to live at least 18 months apart. I'm actually only giving it a few weeks.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh. Thought I was supposed to be the dark one.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not today.
Dr. Gregory House: The point is to suffer like your savior did, right? Well, he didn't take myrrh, the Tylenol of ancient Rome. And his nails went through his wrists, not through his palms. Palms are for sissies. And what about the 39 lashes and the beatings and the crown of thorns? What you go through is closer to a bad manicure than a crucifixion.
Ramon: It's not about showing God my pain. It's about showing him my faith. If he asks me to die for my daughter, I'll do it gladly.
Dr. Gregory House: Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.
Martha Masters: All conviction's equally ridiculous?
Dr. Gregory House: Just when they're applied indiscriminately to all circumstances.
Ramon: One day, you're going to understand.
Marisa: No, I'm not. I am never going to understand that. If God could do this, I hate God.
Dr. Gregory House: Someone looks lovely tonight.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: I meant me. Someone else looks simply stunning... That was you. And the blonde at the bar.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just to be clear, this whole little act isn't gonna work. I need an apology. Not flattery.
Ramon: That's why we have beliefs. So we can still see the right thing to do when we're blinded with doubt and fear. Our beliefs define us. If we lose them, who are we?
Dr. James Wilson: No. No, I was thinking... I mean, if those two even have the slightest chance of making it, then we have to be a sure thing. And we've already made all our mistakes. And... I've come to realize that I love you even more than I thought I did. Sam, will you marry me again?
Dr. Gregory House: Hat trick, Chase. See? The life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me for everything. All those hurt feelings, they never really went away.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes a lot more sense.
Dr. Gregory House: I ran it twice. No mistake. Looks like God broke your deal. I'm sorry. But I'm also right.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Surprised you've got enough strength to come to work today.
Dr. Robert Chase: 36 hours is long enough for me to recover. And not nearly long enough for this guy to be getting better.
Dr. Gregory House: This patient is screwed. Technical term is dead as a doornail.
Ramon: Who is that?
Dr. Gregory House: God. You broke your deal with him, your daughter's fine, you're getting better. Nothing bad happened. Which can only mean one thing. There is no God. Of course, if your daughter gets hit by a meteorite today, I would have some serious egg on my face.
Ramon: It means I'm happy. It doesn't mean God doesn't exist. It just means he's-he's truly merciful. My beautiful Marisa was right. God is all about love.
Dr. Gregory House: Punishment is proof of God, and no punishment is proof of God? Ingenious argument.
Ramon: Faith isn't an argument. I'd like to see my daughter.
Martha Masters: Everyone else knew?
Dr. Gregory House: Everyone I could trust. So yes.
Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. James Wilson: Sam left me.
Dr. Gregory House: What a moron.
Dr. James Wilson: Too soon. I'm still in love with her.
Dr. Gregory House: I meant you.
Dr. James Wilson: Does she know you're here?
Dr. Gregory House: I apologized to her.
Dr. James Wilson: Good for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Not really. I lied. I just took your advice. Too bad you didn't.
Dr. James Wilson: Good for you.
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