Dr. Gregory House: Why aren't you guys in my office?
Dr. Chris Taub: Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Where's Chase?
Dr. Chris Taub: He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.
Martha Masters: Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House: So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
Dr. Chris Taub: The virus can't survive over 200 years.
Dr. Gregory House: You have.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We should test for the 21st-century suspects... varicella and measles...
Dr. Gregory House: You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago.
Dr. James Wilson: She's also probably never ordered the pasta special in the cafeteria. Would that also have some special paranoid message to send you?
Dr. Gregory House: What if I die of curiosity in the meantime?
Dr. James Wilson: You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing — to no one — about anything... That includes me.
Dr. Gregory House: Masters, have you got a boyfriend?
Martha Masters: That's none of your business.
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, probably just a dry spell.
Dr. Gregory House: Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him?
Martha Masters: I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore.
Dr. Gregory House: You passive-aggressive bitch!
Dr. Gregory House: Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business. I wouldn't lie to you about something personal.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, you don't get to lie to me about anything. I can't compartmentalize my life like that.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, maybe you should practice, 'cause it comes in handy.
Dr. Gregory House: Bottom line: it's 30% fatal, which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw, unless she finds dark, purplish skin blotches.
Lulu: What would purple blotches mean?
Martha Masters: Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: In which case, her chances are more like Shaq hitting a free throw.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you saying you see House's side? It's not even a side. It's a fictional construction.
Dr. Samantha Carr: No, we have a different relationship... I think a better one. Lying was never part of it. Theirs is built on it.
Geerte: Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. Are you handsome sexiest American man?
Dr. Gregory House: Honey, could you email our new friend the Captain's log?
Martha Masters: Sure thing, Sexiest American man.
Dr. Gregory House: Scrofulicious... that's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s. Is she wrong? Then they died for nothing. Those slaves could have led long, fulfilling lives, mowing my ancestors' lawns.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Are you so afraid of this new girl, we have to take elaborate measures every time you want to skirt around ethical boundaries?
Dr. Gregory House: Elaborate measures? We took a walk... a walk you would have taken anyway. Actually, I saved you from the horrible post-differential traffic jam.
Dr. Robert Chase: Not really... not for them and not for you... the dad's new symptoms are consistent with them having smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: Would be if he had a headache.
Dr. Robert Chase: He does have a headache.
Dr. Gregory House: No. He just said, "ow," and held his head.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually, he said, "ow."Then he said, "it's a headache."
Dr. Gregory House: Which could be indicative of head pain. Headache is caused by muscle tension or vascular stretching. Head pain is caused by trauma, which would include such events as a bleed in the brain from TB.
Dr. Robert Chase: You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.
Dr. Gregory House: Sure, you are. You're descended from convicts.
Dr. Robert Chase: This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.
Dr. Gregory House: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Martha Masters: You don't trust me.
Dr. Gregory House: Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.
Martha Masters: Instead of whatever lie you're gonna tell Broda, why don't you just tell him the truth? If we are honest and reasonable...
Dr. Gregory House: People of all races and creeds will live together in peace and harmony.
Martha Masters: So I guess honesty is the best policy.
Dr. Gregory House: Why'd you say that? Seriously? To establish your viewpoint, as if I didn't already know it, or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?
Martha Masters: Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh.
Martha Masters: Julie doesn't have smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... Oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga!
Dr. Chris Taub: So therefore your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus, which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This is what happens when you have no respect for authority, no respect for anything.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't think it's a little much to use the threat of death to win a totally separate argument with your boyfriend?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think this is about the other thing?
Dr. Gregory House: Does seem to track suspiciously closely.
Dr. Samantha Carr: I'm not great with kids. I love them, but I get scared that I'm gonna do the wrong thing, and then... I usually do. And that's what I did with the lying. And I'm very sorry about that. The reason why I did the wrong thing was because I was trying to get you to do the right thing. Your mommy and your Lamby both really need you to get better. So... do you think that... you could be really brave and do the right thing?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You have any fever?
Dr. Gregory House: Not yet. But when it does come, I assume you'll see the pettiness of being mad at me for lying.
Dr. Gregory House: So it's inconvenient. My having a fighting chance at life is inconvenient!
Dr. Gregory House: It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.
Martha Masters: Take them off.
Dr. Gregory House: Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass!
Martha Masters: Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.
Dr. Gregory House: You really are annoying...
Dr. James Wilson: You were good with her.
Dr. Samantha Carr: Yeah, only after being bad.
Dr. James Wilson: It takes practice.
Dr. Samantha Carr: Maybe I should get a puppy.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, or... pregnant?
Dr. Gregory House: When I was dying... you realized that a little white lie between coworkers wasn't such a big deal.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, and that was true... when you were dying.
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