Dr. Gregory House: I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on.
Dr. Robert Chase: Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one.
Dr. Gregory House: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.
Dr. Gregory House: I know what you're thinking. She looks like Cameron, and he's hired her solely to sleep with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you should have. But you'd be foolishly wrong. Yes, he's been dating at a near-Clooney pace recently, but at this point, the only hole he's trying to fill is the one in his soul, which means it's the emotional connection with Cameron that he misses. Did you ever marry a dying man? And if so, did you freeze his sperm?
Dr. Robert Chase: She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh… And she's not like Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.
Dr. James Wilson: How are things going with Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple.
Dr. Gregory House: Am I wearing a dashiki? [Wilson chuckles] Easy Rider auditions ended four
decades ago.
Dr. James Wilson: Whose idea was that?
Dr. Gregory House: Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship.
You get the sex, the dinners… video game partnership. I also get a full-night's
sleep.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything?
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a problem with our new doctor.
Dr. Chris Taub: Dude, is this about Thirteen?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No. Why are you calling me "dude"?
Dr. Eric Foreman: One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude?
Dr. Chris Taub: It felt right.
Dr. Gregory House: Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear! It's Aunt Em, darling.
Margaret: What's wrong with me?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy problems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how."
Dr. Robert Chase: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?
Dr. Gregory House: Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned. Also because I'm giving her a chance.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're giving her a test.
Dr. Gregory House: This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail it sooner rather than later. Or pass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly.
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it was a massage plus happy ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. Because of you! I've tried 15
different massage therapists over the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?
Dr. Gregory House: You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I asked you to.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not really an argument, now, is it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's an argument.
Dr. James Wilson: Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about everything. Give in anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.
Dr. James Wilson: Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages.
Dr. Gregory House: The principle is she's being irrational. If I give in on this, it sets the stage for the whole relationship.
Dr. James Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You finally made a good point.
Dr. James Wilson: Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.
Dr. Gregory House: Would you mind standing next to the screen?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, she'd love to become a target for your ridicule.
Dr. Gregory House: She isn't already?
Dr. Gregory House: Snapilicious! But as I always like to say, it's better to be a helpful Helen than a negative Nelly. So while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger.
Dr. Gregory House: I know what you're thinking, Chase wants to sleep with his mom. But who wouldn't hit that if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you get major points for trying to trick me. Unfortunately, you lose 'em all for failing. Hold that. Hold that. See, now you're frowning. You can really see the resemblance.
Dr. Robert Chase: So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I am at a different level.
Dr. Robert Chase: Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sure that some part of you believes this idiocy. But you can't possibly be stupid enough to think that you can convince any part of me. And that can only mean you're trying to sabotage this relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that? We're doing fine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because the next step from fine is serious, and you can't handle that, so you're trying to keep me at arm's length with all this crap.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Give her a break.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.
Dr. Gregory House: You are a true leader of men. Get someone to cut into her head and get me a biopsy.
Billy: This is not who I married.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course she is. You just didn't know it.
Billy: I don't know if I can stay with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, as your marriage counselor, I'm not allowed to talk to you without your wife present.
Dr. Gregory House: Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine. Apparently you haven't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness.
Billy: It's too hard.
Dr. Gregory House: It's always hard.
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