Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Well, that's why I plan on doing some talking first. (She pats his arm). I want us to formerly report our relationship to Human Resources.
Dr. Gregory House :Okay. You get them, I'll cover everybody else. (He pushes the elevator button with the tip of his cane).
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I would appreciate it if we could keep it quiet until we had that meeting.
Dr. Gregory House :It's gonna be hard with me grabbing your ass all day.
Dr. Gregory House :I'm seeing Cuddy. (All heads up). Generally, without her clothes on. Use your imagination. Hope it's got a wide-angle lens. (He chuckles. They all stare at him, looking confused. He takes back the file Wilson was reading). You don't actually need that.
Dr. James Wilson :I'm gonna check my office for whoopee cushions.
Dr. Gregory House :This is not a prank.
Dr. James Wilson :This is not me walking out the door. (He leaves).
Dr. Chris Taub : Are you sure it a good idea to be yanking on the chain of command?
Dr. Gregory House :I agree. It's weird of me not to care. So either I'm a changed man because of Cuddy, or I'm pretending to be a changed man because I do know something about Thirteen and I'm trying to throw you off the scent, or I've just gone nutty bananas because I lost a patient. All of which you are free to discuss (Articulating) after I get a diagnosis.
Dr. Eric Foreman : How about just telling her we're planning this stupid test? And I'm hoping House and Cuddy are more than just a fling. It's clearly mellowed him out. He didn't even care about Thirteen.
Dr. Chris Taub : Right. The guy who ordered us to stop the patient's heart has mellowed out. It's gonna be horrible because it's doomed, which is just gonna make House 50 times more of a crank.
Dr. James Wilson :Yes, the lack of dime-store pranks is proof that you're actually dating Cuddy, and not just mocking me for being worried about you.
Dr. Gregory House :What do I have to do to prove this to you? Tattoo a cane on her inner thigh? Tattoo her inner thigh on my cane? (Cuddy enters).
Dr. Gregory House :Come on. One peck. Just enough to arouse him a little.
Dr. James Wilson :I – hey, I'm not even...
Dr. Gregory House :I didn't mean you.
Dr. James Wilson :I've been more passionate with my great aunt.
Dr. Gregory House :Mabel? Up high!
HR guy : How would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
Dr. Gregory House :You ever see Wild Kingdom? Those insects that rip their partner's heads off after copulating? (He turns to Cuddy for approval. There is an akward silence. Ernest Griffin considers this and starts to write it down. Cuddy, who was preparing to speak, stops and looks startled.)
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : It's a sexual relationship.
Dr. Gregory House :Go slowly now. He's writing it down.
Dr. Gregory House :So what could cause her heart to stop and her urine not to drop?
Dr. Chris Taub : House, I was expecting your relationship with Cuddy to complicate our work long-term. (House turns back, gives him a patient, fake-polite look). I am now concerned it might be affecting us short-term. All due respect.
Dr. Gregory House :None taken. I listen to Cuddy all the time. She's my boss. Also yours, by the way.
Dr. Chris Taub : You'd listen, then tell her she's being an idiot, and do whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House :I find I can skip the idiot part when she's not being an idiot, and since the scare test would have led to the same dead end, she was right to stop it. Which means your problem's about you.
Dr. Chris Taub : This should be interesting.
Dr. Gregory House :Losers love company. And if even a misanthrope like me has a chance at happiness, it's gonna be pretty lonely on that landfill of loserdom you call a marriage. (Taub looks a little hurt, Foreman smiles. House opens the patient's file). Heart, kidneys, go.
Sidney :He has tingling in his feet and his legs. I want a full battery of tests.
Dr. Gregory House :Carbon dating?
Dr. Gregory House :Well, that's true, he's definitely had his jowls done. Statistically, if he didn't have these symptoms, he'd be like most people of his age — dead for the past several decades.
Maurice :Do the tests. I'm sick.
Dr. Gregory House :You have a bad case of natural causes.
Sidney :Do the damn tests.
Dr. Gregory House :If the vial fills with sand, we take that as a bad sign.
Dr. Gregory House :What other problem could there be with a problem-free procedure? Boy's sports, science club, she's living his life, not hers. (He puts the file away, takes another, looks at Taub). Makes sense she's being a self-denying moron.
Dr. Chris Taub : She loves her brother. She's thinking selflessly. How is that at all—
House: Being moronic? Mm. If I can only think of a harm-free medical treatment she turned down lately.
Dr. Chris Taub : You're right. If everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place.
Dr. Gregory House :See? I can skip the idiot part when you're not being an idiot. (He turns to leave the Clinic. Wilson is leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed, with a huge smile on his face).
Dr. Gregory House :Yeah, I had that same facial expression for the first 47 hours. Had another one too, but only for 15 seconds at a time. (They pass the door and walk together, as usual).
Della : I am. Sort of. Um, I got into skateboarding when some of Hugo's classmates did, and he realized he could never do it. (She looks outside of the room, where Chase is talking to her parents and Hugo). It's the same with a lot of things. We live through it together.
Dr. Chris Taub : And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial?
Della : You've never been inspired by someone?
Dr. Gregory House :Yeah (Wilson looks genuinely surprised). I have to avoid this problem. If I can restrict our interactions to places where neither of us are wearing pants...
Dr. James Wilson :Yeah, that's not avoiding the problem, that's avoiding the issue.
Dr. Gregory House :Since avoidance is my plan for dealing with the issue, technically, that's not avoiding it. (He seems relieved). Thanks.
Dr. James Wilson :No problem.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Maybe we should plan on lunch tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House :Problem is, at lunch you tend to wear tops.(Cuddy smiles widely. He lifts the sheet and takes a look). This is much better. (Cuddy laughs. He smiles and kiss her forehead, then lifts himself and prepares to kiss her properly. The phone rings. Cuddy frowns. He reaches for his phone and answers. During the whole conversation, Cuddy caresses his forearm and traces one of his veins).
Dr. Gregory House :Cuddy and I are naked. So I'm having trouble focusing. Use small words.
Foreman (He and Chase are in the lab, near a computer screen) : Kidney biopsy was clean, so we rechecked the piece of her lung from the O.R.
Dr. Gregory House :You lost me. Sorry, who is this calling again?
Dr. Eric Foreman : If we give steroids for rejection, it'd make an infection worse. If we give antibiotics for infection, it'd make rejection worse.
Dr. Gregory House :Which worse is worse?
Dr. Robert Chase:If we treat for infection and we're wrong, she'll be dead within hours.
Dr. Gregory House :And if we treat for rejection and we're wrong?
Dr. Chris Taub : She'll probably hang on a day or two.
Maurice :Skip the blood work. (House suppress a smile). Tell my son it's grim news. I need to be in a nursing home. A private room. (Pause) Make it a suite.
Cuddy : I sit around on my bureaucratic ass?
Dr. Chris Taub : I was relaying your words.
Dr. Gregory House :I said well-formed. I said well-formed! (to Taub) What were you—
Dr. Gregory House :Stop. I agree with you (He gives a little sigh. Taub is speechless). That was our analysis from the start. (to Taub) If you've got a problem with a team decision, you come to me. (to Cuddy, sheepishly) I'm sorry. I-I'll deal with him later. (Pleadingly) I said well-formed.
Dr. Gregory House :People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones.
Maurice :She does have great cans. (House gives him a look).
Dr. Robert Chase:Did it ever occur to you that House is just happy and could give a crap about other people's lives because of it?
Dr. Chris Taub : Well, that's ironic and depressing. And by that logic, the reason you don't give a crap is because you're happy, which means you've got someone new giving you chew toys.
Dr. Robert Chase:You're one-fourth right.
Dr. Chris Taub : Wait. Are you saying... (pagers beep) You're dating four women?
Dr. Robert Chase:It is LAM. The tests were positive.
Dr. Gregory House :Then the tests have to be wrong.
Dr. Gregory House :Damage has a way of spreading to everyone around you. For example, your obvious emotional damage is now making me have a philosophical conversation instead of dealing with your sister. See how that might be damaging?
Dr. Gregory House :Yeah, we get it. Your brother, the Saint. His sister, the Martyr. (He leaves the room. Taubs runs after him).
Dr. Gregory House :She has a nasty case of sickle cell trait. Her heart arrhythmia wasn't sudden at all. Screwed-up blood cells screwed-up the blood vessels, which gave us a screwed-up positive for LAM. If she'd told us about her symptoms sooner — like ever — she might not be dying. You were right after all.
Dr. Chris Taub : I never said sickle—
Dr. Gregory House :If everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place.
Dr. Chris Taub : So she's gonna die.
Dr. Gregory House :I guess I can just chat with them about the weather. Blood tests just confirmed sickle cell trait. So they might be curious about the only treatment option. Though we are having weird weather lately.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : There is a huge reason not to take lungs from living patients.
Dr. Gregory House :So their siblings can die?
Dr. Gregory House :Maybe. (Raises eyebrows and admits it) Yeah. I think so. This is screwing me up. Why is it not screwing you up?
Cuddy : It is. I don't know why I okayed you foaming that lung. I realized it was wrong as soon as I said it.
Dr. Gregory House :I knew it! I knew 'cause you tilted your head.
Dr. Gregory House :Bizarrely, it explains all your symptoms. Better-fitting dentures, you'll be fine. Medically, there's no reason to go anywhere... Hospital rebate. You might wanna... put it towards couples therapy.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Don't put this on them.
Dr. Gregory House :What do you mean, put it on? It is on them! As much as they may wanna pass the lung here!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Of course they do! You're handing them an impossible choice.
Dr. Gregory House :Life has handed them a crappy choice, and they're picking the crappier option — trading who knows how many healthy decades for four or five years in which roller boy will be a limp rag.
Hugo :I want you to take half my lung.
Della : No. I'm not.
Hugo :You do so many great things. I just watch. I get to watch and coach and cheer. But that's not me out there. It never will be. If you take this piece of me, carry it with you... then I really can share in everything you do. (The parents stare at them). This is the great thing I can do with my life. Don't make me live without you.
Dr. Gregory House :We got lucky. I did give them an impossible choice. The kid took it away from them.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : That fight... was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again.
Dr. Gregory House :You've got a big ass. (He grabs it. Cuddy smiles at him, intertwines her fingers with his on her bottom, takes his hand and leads him to the elevator).
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