Dr. Gregory House: Your enthusiasm is impressive. Wish I could say the same about your presentation. Everybody knows you lead with your most interesting symptom.
Dr. Robert Chase: House's worldview doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice. He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise.
Martha Masters: The guy did a wonderful thing. Can't we just take that at face value?
Dr. Gregory House: You are adorable. Heroism does exist.
Martha Masters: What about firefighters?
Dr. Gregory House: The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation?
Martha Masters: So humanity is apathetic and self-serving?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
Dr. Robert Chase: I always thought it was fight or flight. Didn't know it was fight or
flight or faint. (He laughs.)
Dr. Chris Taub: Laugh all you want. The other hundred people stayed on that platform. That's a normal response to danger.
Dr. Gregory House: The coward has spoken. Our patient's problem is neurological. Sympathetic stimulation ... stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart. Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system.
Dr. James Wilson: You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
Dr. Gregory House: She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...
Rachel Taub: Hey. Am I imagining things, or did I see a billboard with your face on it on my way home tonight?
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh, was my whole face there? 'Cause I just saw the nose.
Rachel Taub: You're still my husband. I still love you. And I want things to be okay between us. Also, you're a famous model now. That's pretty cool... sexy, even.
Dr. Gregory House: So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size.
Dr. Chris Taub: That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst.
Dr. Gregory House: So when you're not on a billboard, you sleep with nurses. But when you are, you sleep with your wife. I think you got that backwards.
Dr. Robert Chase: He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease. We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't believe in heroism.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine, do it your way. You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better.
Eva: Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday. And they wouldn't have
made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right?
Dr. Gregory House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey... by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. Cuddy and Wilson: Yes!
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a pretty boy. Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients. No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr. Trustworthy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's 'cause I'm black.
Dr. Robert Chase: You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
Dr. Eric Foreman: 80% of the Princeton population is white. Some are racist. Some aren't. White works with both demographics.
Dr. Robert Chase: So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face?
Martha Masters: Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
Dr. Gregory House: Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite.
Dr. Chris Taub: So we're breaking into this girl's apartment because House thinks that two people, standing 30 feet apart on a subway platform have to be lovers.
Dr. Robert Chase: So she's not cheating on you, and you're getting all the action you can handle. I don't see the downside.
Arlene Cuddy: How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?
Dr. Gregory House: Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death. It's just a guess.
Martha Masters: He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl. Even you have to admit that now.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero. It makes him an idiot. The only reason that headline doesn't say "moron crushed by train" is luck.
Dr. Chris Taub: Next headline is gonna be "moron goes undiagnosed because doctors won't
talk about his ear pain."
Dr. Gregory House: I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House... I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut, and behave like an adult. Yes, you will be in hell, but I will feel better having you there. That is what a relationship is. We average our misery.
Dr. James Wilson: Actually, the whole sugar-makes-kids-hyperactive thing is a myth. It's a study.
Arlene Cuddy: I'm sure it's very interesting. I didn't read any studies. I just raised children. It's not your fault. How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're never home.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We don't need you here. We just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back.
Dr. Gregory House: Because his ear used to be something else. When you're a fetus, your cells are close together. When you grow, they spread out and specialize. Sometimes the body screws up, and they keep the old area codes, report to the same pain centers.
Dr. Chris Taub: Referred pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, "actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean Theorem"?
Arlene Cuddy: So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm an atheist.
Arlene Cuddy: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House isn't that big on community.
Arlene Cuddy: And why do you call him "House"? The man's name is Greg. It makes it seem like you're not serious. I'm just trying to help you think about the future. You're-you're a certain age now. The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was. You need to settle down, like your sister.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new. Think of it as my birthday gift to you. You told me to keep my mouth shut. It's the only way I had a chance.
Dr. Chris Taub: She wants to do it all the time, but it has nothing to do with me. I'm just a piece of meat.
Martha Masters: Well, she likes someone else, and you've slept with other people. Uh, why are you still together?
Dr. Chris Taub: I love her. We've been together for 22 years. I've never loved anybody else. I don't know how to... not be with her.
Martha Masters: So you're never gonna cheat again.
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't know.
Martha Masters: Well, that seems kind of selfish, doesn't it?
Dr. Chris Taub: Our patient also developed a raging fever overnight. That means Masters was right all along. This is an infection.
Dr. Gregory House: Should we give you a minute to gloat?
Martha Masters: We still don't know what kind of infection ... could be bacterial, viral, fungal. Until the cultures...
Dr. Gregory House: You are the worst gloater ever.
Jack: They're saying I'm a hero?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but, you know, in a few days, a panda bear will give birth to triplets, and we'll all move on. Oh, I'm sorry. You actually believe that you are a hero. Should get yourself some tights and a cape, run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings. Maybe you'll keep getting lucky. You're still the same guy you were last week.
Jack: Hey, um... How long are you gonna sit there?
Dr. Gregory House: Could be hours.
Jack: Hiding behind a sick guy... That's heroic.
Arlene Cuddy: In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick, but once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue. That's because you love her. I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kill you if you hurt her, but I'm glad she has you.
Dr. Gregory House: We don't have to hug now, do we?
Eva: I'm keeping her out for a few days. There's been a little outbreak...
Dr. Gregory House: Chicken pox. Sorry, but if I let you finish that sentence, that would be much less impressive.
Eva: You think Jack has chicken pox? But he doesn't have blisters. He's not itchy, and Daisy never got it.
Dr. Gregory House: I know. Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out. Five percent of cases present without blisters. The kid was just a carrier. I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life. But it won't make me a hero.
Eva: Yeah, the pathetic thing is I let myself believe that he could change, he could be this other guy. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
Dr. Gregory House: That was impulse. That was easy. Dealing with family is hard. Wait, that's another thing I got right. How many does that make? And how many for you? I'm also kicking your ass at gloating.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thanks.
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